After a lengthy investigation by Southend News Network, we can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that your Facebook friend will be drinking excessive amounts of alcohol tonight and then documenting it with a series of detailed images on their Facebook wall. In a further development, it has emerged that they will then go for some sort of guilt-induced run tomorrow and use a smartphone app to track it and report it in a mind-numbing level of detail.
We caught up with 31-year-old Nikki Fridlington earlier this evening while she was starting her 14th Mojito in one of Southend’s many upmarket drinking pits. She said: ‘What’s the point in going out and drinking a high volume of alcohol if you can’t go on Facebook and report back to everyone else about it. Nothing says ‘you had kids and threw your life away dumbass’ like displaying your absolute dedication to cirrhosis, and there are even bars in town now where you are actively encouraged to consume alcohol until you bleed and then get plastered all over the Internet. What an age we live in!’
We asked Ms Fridlington how she intends to get over the inevitable hangover. She said: ‘I will go for a run. I have an app that reports back to Facebook every three seconds with details of my precise real-time location and progress – if anyone out there has a ‘thing’ for hot female joggers mid-run it’s like Christmas, Hannukah and Game of Thrones Season Premiere Night rolled into one. People can like my status while I am running and I get ultra-narcissistic motivational quotes read directly into my ears by George Clooney.’
She added: ‘Besides, I need to drink 140 units a week to deal with the constant photos of babies and declarations of eternal bliss and spiritual fulfilment on there.’