You may be shocked to learn that your shiny new polymer-based £5 is worth the princely sum of FIVE FUCKING POUNDS because that’s how money works you greedy bastard. 

If you are frantically reading your serial numbers and suffering from the delusion that your £5 may be worth more than £5, you really are a special kind of idiot. Of course your new fiver is rare – they have only printed 440 million of the fucking things.

I bet you keep calling that hotline to see if the sausage roll that you bought from Greggs in 2005 came with PPI cover that you can reclaim.

If your £5 note was actuallly worth £25,000 the whole fucking economy would collapse overnight you grasping dipshit.

Walk into a Nissan dealer and try to get a brand new X-Trail Tekna with your shiny £5 note, go on just try and watch the dealer call for the men in white coats.

When you look at your £5 note, you will notice that it says something about promising to pay the bearer £5. Any more than that and they would print ‘I promise to pay the bearer untold fucking riches beyond the amount printed on this banknote.’

There’s more chance of the Bank of England changing Churchill’s portrait for Rylan Clark’s bearded botox-filled grin, believe me.

You may make a killing on eBay, but the complete and utter wanker paying more than a fiver for your fiver will ultimately be left with a piece of paper worth, you guessed it, a fiver.

On the other hand, Southend News Network’s Rare Banknotes Team is available to sell notes on your behalf for a small fee. A fiver should cover it.