It may come as a complete and utter shock to you that the current 400-year storyline about Bethany Platt in Coronation Street isn’t actually a real thing.

This is in spite of the fact that a number of major news outlets are treating it like a continually developing ‘news’ story and not a cynical attempt to be sold insurance by animated meerkats with dodgy Russian accents.

Southend News Network can exclusively reveal that the whole situation about this incredibly emotive subject is actually a carefully scripted scenario being portrayed on screen by people that are known in the industry as ‘actors’ who are paid large sums of money to get you to sit there for 30 minutes so that you are in front of the TV when the commercials for Cilit Bang and Take A Break or some other magazine for those with an IQ lower than a Breville toaster come on in the middle of it.

You probably refused to leave the house for a year when Deirdre Rashid got banged up as well, didn’t you? Admit it.

In a further shocking development, that cat walking across a roof at the beginning of the show has probably been dead for twenty years, but nobody gives a shiny shite about him, do they?

If you’ve been affected by the issues in this programme please call … you’re fucking bang on the money there voiceover woman with the soothing but authoritative tone.

I have been watching this thundershite for eight seconds and I can already feel myself developing some sort of aneurysm. What’s the 0333 number for that?