The owner of Leigh On Sea’s first ever vegetarian vegan gluten-free organic fairtrade ethical cafe has been forced to close down after he realised that there was nothing he could actually offer to his customers.

Benedict Cashmere-Luroll hosted a launch party for his new swanky eatery Good Karma Bites in Leigh Lane last night, but his shutters had come down for good this morning when it emerged that his commitment to ‘wholesome vegetarian vegan gluten-free organic fairtrade ethical produce’ had basically stopped him from preparing every known food substance on the planet.

He told our Chief Reporter that he was determined to find a solution, and he added: ‘I was convinced that I had spotted a niche in the market, but now I know why Leigh doesn’t already have a vegetarian vegan gluten-free organic fairtrade ethical food outlet.’

‘I’m actually amazed that the bank approved my £500,000 business loan to purchase my entire range of furniture items that don’t match.’

‘There was a brief moment of excitement this morning when I found a carton of Mango and Carob Crackers, but after a few minutes on Google I noticed that the factory in Venezuela is under investigation for sex slave trafficking.’

‘I am considering using the site as an artisan WiFi creative space that is only compatible with MacBooks – people are more than welcome to bring their own refreshments until I get this whole mess sorted out.’

The closure comes at a time when the local economy is showing a number of warning signs. Last week saw the final day of trading of Oxyccinos in Leigh Road – the so-called ‘healthy coffee shop’ that helped customers to cut their calorie intake by removing all of the milk from cappuccinos and just leaving the air.