Royal Mail have just launched a huge recruitment drive in Essex, and it could be the career move that you have been waiting for!

Postal Logistical Service Delivery Directors are needed across the county as the volume of post has increased by 23% year on year in the last year.

This is mainly due to the expansion of various sex toy retailers and the introduction of Essex 60+ Gay For Pay – the monthly magazine for the more discerning geriatric alternative leisure pursuit enthusiast.

If you think that you have what it takes to be one of our new Postal Logistical Service Delivery Directors, you will need to demonstrate the following:

An ability to scrawl in incomprehensible hieroglyphics on ‘Sorry You Couldn’t Get To The Door In Three Fucking Seconds Cards.’

A commitment to inserting thick envelopes three quarters of the way into a letterbox and hanging a sign on the item saying ‘Please Turn Us Over.’

A keen eye for opportunities to deliver post four doors away from its intended destination in an attempt to bring neighbourhoods together and promote local cohesion.

A hatred of Yodel couriers and a smartphone to take images and post to social media when you see something that has been left in a bush or delicately placed on the tip of a telegraph pole, while adding the caption about ‘bastard amateurs.’

If you think that you have what it takes to shine, please post the first two pages of your CV to ‘FREEPOST Post Jobs.’

There’s no point adding any more of it as it will probably just fall out before it gets here.

NB: A career in Royal Mail is nothing like an episode of Postman Pat. People don’t actually talk to other people in the real world.