A spokesperson for UKIP has confirmed that there was an ‘incident’ at the home of party leader Paul Nuttall on Friday after a local gasman called at the property to read his meter.
In a brief statement, the party also said that no attempt had been made to bypass the property’s own gas meter and steal gas from a neighbouring flat.
We managed to speak to the data collector from UK Energy Metering Solution Services who called at the address shortly after 4pm on Friday afternoon – he has asked to remain anonymous.
He said: ‘There was something very weird about the property that I noticed as soon as I arrived there.’
‘An anxious looking man with long greasy hair opened the door but he wouldn’t allow me in at first – all he kept doing was shouting ‘gasman’ and ‘hello Mr Gasman’ like he was trying to warn another occupant about my arrival.’
‘When I finally gained access to the property after asking him if there was someone at home who was responsible for his care, I immediately noticed that it was very warm inside and the meter reading was ‘00000.’
‘This was bizarre as both Mr Nuttall and his friend confirmed that they don’t use gas within the property as they were unaware of what the fuel actually was.’
‘They seemed very keen to stop me from getting to my next job, and they even offered me a cup of tea – however I had no idea how they were going to boil the water.’
‘Apparently it is the best tea in London, and they asked me in a manner that made it very difficult to refuse.’
‘According to both of them, they were just going to use the water from the hot tap, but naturally this would be cold because they don’t use gas because they don’t know what it is.’
‘They then told me that they get their hot water from the cold tap to save ‘wear and tear’ on the hot tap, and the cup of elm tea that they gave me was freezing cold.’
‘I was cautious about drinking it, but at this stage they both got very forceful and practically poured it down my throat for me.’
‘When I eventually got around to moving towards the meter, everything suddenly went blank and I woke up some time later on top of a moving double-decker bus.’
‘I got myself down and took a look at my log book and there was a very strange message inside that clearly hadn’t been written in my own writing.’
‘It said that I had left the property in ‘high spirits’ in order to indulge in my hobby of bus surfing – I have never taken part in this activity.’
‘I may have been unconscious for some time, but I do recall hearing a phone conversation where my body was offered to a local kebab shop.’
‘Thankfully they had just taken delivery of an Alsatian that had been involved in a road accident, and I am very thankful for this.’