A spokesperson for Essex Police has promised that there will be a thorough investigation after a man and a woman were arrested over a fight at the Aldi car park in Southend. According to one witness, the trouble started when a member of the public asked another shopper if they would be ‘interested’ in a FIVE BIRD ROAST. 

A witness said: ‘An elderly couple were loading shopping into the boot of their car, when suddenly the gentleman looked annoyed and said ‘oh bugger we’ve bought two of them by mistake.’ He then pulled a frozen Five Bird Roast out of a bag.’

‘He knew that it had already started to defrost and wouldn’t be suitable for a refund, and so he approached a young lady who was with her very large and muscular boyfriend and dog.’

‘As soon as I heard him say, ‘I’ve made a terrible mistake – would you be interested in a five bird roast’ I knew that there would be trouble.’

‘Her partner just lunged forward and screamed ‘The f**k you just say?’ before he punched the old guy and threw him back into his car boot.’

‘His wife must have been about 85 years old and she clearly was having none of it. She pulled an asthma nebuliser out of her bag and smashed it into the young man’s head, before throwing a packet of meatballs onto the busy A127 for that poor dog to chase after.’

‘If the police hadn’t arrived when they did there could have been a fatality. Thank heavens that there was a passing cat to grab the dogs attention before he strayed into the dual carriageway.’

A spokesperson for Aldi said: ‘We can confirm that a man and a woman were taken into custody over an incident in our Southend store’s car park.’

‘Although the man has been released on bail, the lady in question is currently subjected to a 4pm curfew in her sheltered housing block.’