A spokesperson for Donald Trump’s administration has confirmed that the CIA’s list of approved methods of torture has been replaced by an executive order that authorises the use of Stacey Solomon voice recordings.
According to the new ruling, this means that all levels of suspects will be subjected to 60-second audio files of the Essex TV personality’s many appearances.
We spoke to Chuck Bungleberry, the CIA’s head of intelligence procurement, and he told us that the development is ushering in a whole new era of humane interrogation methods.
He added: ‘It’s clear that more traditional and physical forms of interrogation and torture are no longer acceptable in modern society.’
‘Therefore, the President decided that it was time to look for a new mental or emotional method that would be just as effective, and at that point somebody handed him a tape of an episode of The Xtra Factor.’
‘He noticed that her vocal delivery of ending one thought and beginning a new thought simultaneously at varying speeds was ‘giving him the motherf*cker of all headaches,’ and just 20 seconds later he was crying on the floor and getting ready to email our nuclear missile launch codes to The Kremlin.’
‘Thankfully someone was there to turn off the recording and intercept him.’
‘We carried out a test interrogation on a registered terror suspect last night, and within three cycles he had denounced Allah, shaved off his beard and was preparing for a new career selling bicycles and spreading the word of The Good Book.’
Although Washington is delighted at the success of the trial, there may be some difficult times ahead after the United Nations confirmed that the move may be violating a number of clauses in the Geneva Convention.
UN Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon said: ‘The native Essex accent has been on our registered list of unacceptable methods of engagement since 2013 when an entire Serbian village attempted suicide shortly after the state broadcaster introduced TOWIE with subtitles.’
‘Even though a number of captions simply stated то зна, which is the local translation for ‘f*ck knows, the broadcast was still powerful enough to make the 134 villagers throw themselves into the local river.’