A government spokesperson has confirmed that those little wrapped crunchy caramel biscuits that they give out with coffee are going to ‘double in size’ once the United Kingdom leaves the European Union in 2019.
Speaking in front of a packed press conference this morning in Whitehall, Brexit minister Colin Fection MP said that the momentous step for the UK will put an end to ‘mindless’ EU size restrictions on complimentary biscuits that accompany hot drinks.
He said: ‘Ridiculous meddling in Brussels has meant that British coffee shops have been ‘shackled’ to unacceptably small Lotus biscuits for way too long.’
‘The manufacturer has applied for an EU exemption on seventeen separate occasions, but those bureaucrats have ignored their pleas for a more satisfying sweet snack.’
‘Once the UK has completed the Brexit process, Lotus biscuits will be available in a wide range of sizes – we may even see the first ever 1kg version designed for sharing on a particularly large table of coffee drinkers.’
England First member Dave Knuckles told our Chief Reporter that the announcement was ‘a dream come true’ for all real patriots of Britain.
He added: ‘This is exactly the sort of Britain that my grandfathers fought against the Nazis for. I was given one of these wrapped biscuits last week and I have never felt more insulted in my entire life.’
‘I complained to the waitress and she said that it was due to EU rules. This is why I voted for Brexit – to solve problems that I didn’t even realise were problems yet.’
‘Minuscule Lotus biscuits are the thin end of the wedge. If I had my way I would ban them altogether and get something British in its place like a Nice or a Garibaldi.’