Residents of Thorpe Bay in South Essex have been assured that they can now leave their homes once again after local police arrested a cat who had been on a SIX-HOUR rampage of destruction. According to witnesses, Roger, a three-year-old ginger tom from Marcus Avenue, ‘lost the plot’ after his owner Giles Pilchard tried to feed him a pouch of cat food that had been purchased from Lidl.
One neighbour said: ‘At 7am this morning, heard an almighty explosion, and when we looked out of the window we noticed that a car had been set on fire. We heard a hissing noise that made us think it may have been a gas explosion, but it turned out to be Roger from three doors down.’
‘He stormed off down the street and managed to knock over a postbox before tearing through a number of front gardens. Just before he disappeared from sight, he paused to do his business and didn’t even attempt to cover it up – that’s when we realised that his mental state was a cause for alarm.’
A number of reports came in from all over Thorpe Bay during the morning saying that garden plants had been torn up, and one distraught mother described how her three-year-old son had been scratched across the face while he tried to pet him.
Nancy Van Door lives opposite Thorpe Bay station, and she said that she has never felt so terrified in her entire life.
She added: ‘He walked into my front garden with an evil and rage-filled expression on his face. Before I could stop him, he knocked over some geraniums and sexually assaulted one of my gnomes. It was sickening.’
Roger’s Hungarian owner Patrick Wiskas said: ‘Roger has now been released on bail, and under those conditions he is required to wear an electronic tag to ensure that he doesn’t leave my property. He is very much an outdoor cat, and this is very distressing for him.’
‘The pouches from Lidl aren’t even that bad, but as soon as he realised that it wasn’t Waitrose he just flipped the f**k out or something. Usually he just turns his nose up and makes a backwards motion with his paw to indicate that he is covering it up like his litter box, but something in that pouch must have really pissed him off.’