In a rousing speech in Oxford on Sunday evening, the Conservative Prime Ministerial candidate Theresa May pledged to introduce WAITROSE FOODBANKS for middle-class voters who have been priced out of the John Lewis-owned supermarket and forced to shop in Lidl or Aldi.
Under the plans, British citizens who can fulfil a certain number of criteria will be given a Waitrose Foodbank Access Card that is valid for 28 days, and this can be presented in any participating facility where Waitrose items are reduced down to Aldi and Lidl market rates.
It is predicted that the scheme will cost around £350m per year, with funding coming from withdrawing housing benefit for anyone under 50 or whatever.
Mrs May said: ‘Our middle-class JAMs are being forced to suffer the indignity of stepping into Aldi and Lidl on a regular basis, and this unspeakable suffering has to come to an end.’
‘How can a society call itself civilised when you are forced to take little Tabitha and Tabitho into the same retail premises where people regularly miss out the ‘middle t’ sound in a number of popular nouns, and a pockmarked mum of eleven is warning her misbehaving son that he is on his final warning for the seventeenth time.’
‘I even spoke to a chartered accountant in Cambridge yesterday whose pedigree Dogue de Bordeaux had suffered from a terrible reaction after her circumstances meant that she could only afford something called ‘Chubb.’
‘To make matters worse, she had forgotten to take a pound coin for a trolley. How many upstanding members of society have been treated like common criminals who cannot be trusted to return a wire basket on wheels?’
‘She told me that she had tried to ask someone if they could change two 50p pieces for a pound coin, but it had taken her nine attempts because nobody else could speak English.’
‘A strong and stable Tory government and hard Brexit will put a stop to this.’
A member of the audience then asked Mrs May if the decision had anything to do with the recent treatment of a number of Waitrose-level milfs in discount supermarkets.
She replied: ‘It is true that this section of our manifesto has been driven by allegations of milf mistreatment.’
‘Having some plasterer called Jakob mumble that you are ‘definitely a nine’ in Polish because you are wearing unbelievably well-fitting activewear is an indignity of the worst kind.’