A joint statement has been released by the Syrian government, rebel forces and the so-called Islamic State to confirm that all fighting will be suspended in the country for one minute at 11am GMT today as a ‘moment of reflection’ over the Brangelina marriage breakdown.
Broadcast through the Press Association Agency, it said: ‘We may all be engaged in a brutal and essentially needless conflict at the moment, with hundreds of thousands of people eventually killed trying to cross the sea into Europe in the most inhumane manner possible, but sometimes it takes a true tragedy like this to make us all stop for a moment of reflection.’
‘The announcement yesterday that Brad Pitt and Angelia Jolie are filing for divorce has shaken Syria and the surrounding region to its very core. Everybody has their six children and their future welfare at the forefront of their thoughts.’
‘It is a reminder that above all else, human life and spiritual happiness is an incredibly fragile concept. The destruction of the humanitarian aid convoy is an international scandal, and hopefully the investigation can resume once the international community has managed to oversee a mutually-beneficial alimony settlement between the couple.’
On the streets of Aleppo, our war correspondant managed to speak to recently-orphaned four-year-old Aziz Givafuq in his makeshift rubble shelter. Even at his tender age, he made it perfectly clear that the divorce will have a profound effect on his mental state.
Pausing occasionally to clear his lungs of dust, Aziz said: ‘Before people cry that this is just another showmantic marriage coming to a money-spinning conclusion, everyone should remember that this is the couple that brought us Snatch, Tomb Raider, Fight Club … their contribution to humanity in this respect alone is making me cry myself to sleep at night.’
In a video statement released through Al Jazeera, a masked spokesperson for the so-called Islamic State said the divorce was just ‘another example of Western excess that has corrupted mankind.’
He added: ‘Once the minute’s reflection has been observed today, forces on the ground have been instructed to move from door to door and round up every last DVD copy of Mr and Mrs Smith before holding ceremonial bonfires to melt them down. Let the noxious and terrible fumes be an everlasting reminder of the dangers of infidel excess.’
A junior minister in The Kremlin confirmed that Russian forces would observe the 60-second period of not blowing the absolute fuck out of anything, probably.