Officials from the Essex Meterological Service have confirmed that Storm Barbara is set to ruin Christmas over the next seven days with very heavy snow and winds forecast for Essex and the rest of the South of England. 

EMS spokesperson Perry Nium-Gould said: ‘Essex needs to brace itself for some of the heaviest snowfall in years. On the Thames estuary especially some areas could see anything up to 75 kilos or more.’

‘In many ways it’s ironic that there will be a White Christmas with so many of them voting ‘Leave’ back in June.’

‘We are advising all local councils to grit the roads, and in particular we have advised Rochford District Council to add extra de-icer to all of their many temporary traffic lights to ensure that they don’t seize up and cause added chaos.’

A spokesperson for Rochford District Council confirmed that an extra 500 sets of temporary lights had been drafted in just in case any more rich b*stards need their gas to be a bit gassier to the detriment of every poor sod who needs to get to work or visit family. 

Air traffic controllers at Southend Airport have told pilots that the strong winds will not have any effect on inbound and outbound flights. 

An ATC statement read: ‘Because of the strong winds originating from the North Sea, pilots arriving from continental Europe should aim for Amsterdam Schipol – the prevailing currents and thermals should then guide aircraft into London Southend. 

Representative of Anglian Water have confirmed that melting snow shouldn’t cause any problems for drainage on Southend Seafront, provided that it skips the liquid stage and just evaporates into the air. 

A source confirmed: ‘Provided that that area sees temperatures of 145 degrees Celcius or more, our town’s drains should be more than capable of coping.’