A spokesperson for League One club Southend United has confirmed that the entire business has been WOUND-UP after costs have ‘spiralled out of control’ in recent weeks. 

He said: ‘Everyone from the tea lady to the chairman hasn’t just been wound-up lately, we’ve been bloody livid!’

‘Ethel has been in charge of teas and coffees here since 1976, and she told me yesterday that she has never seen PG Tips at more than 1.3p per bag – she is beside herself with rage.’

John Pukka manages the West Stand snack bar in the West Stand, and he told our Chief Reporter that the person who sets wholesale prices for plastic spoons ‘wants shooting.’

He said: ‘I know Brexit was always going to be a factor, but I am incredibly wound-up by the current going rates for wholesale cutlery per unit.’

‘If things carry on like this, we may have to start asking the punters to stir their Bovril with their fingers. That’s going to hurt and lead to claims against us, which will mean that we all get even more wound-up!’

Bertie Brick is leading the club’s New Stadium Planning Department, and he said that he is wound-up by the amount of money that the security company is charging for a single guard dog on the Fossett’s Farm site. 

He said: ‘There are three Doberman Pinchers called Barry, Garry and Larry who work around the clock on eight-hour shifts, and it’s costing us more than a monkey per day now.’

‘How much is it for a few tins of Pedigree Chum and a flashlight each? I sneaked over there to test them the other day and Garry just ran up to me with a discarded tennis ball for a game of fetch. That wound me right up.’