On 1st December 2016, Southend News Network will be rebranding itself as SOUTHEND FAT LOSS AND FASCISM NETWORK due to falling traffic on our current Facebook page.
This is not a decision that we have taken lightly – it has come after research has highlighted that these are the only two topics left that Facebook haven’t restricted traffic for in some way.
From the start of December, our fans will be able to enjoy a constant barrage of photos showing ‘mummeeees’ who have on average lost more weight than a blue whale by simply managing to squeeze 198 different types of vegetables into a single shake or capsule.
Just in case people do not see these images, we will also include a range of increasingly fuckwitted hashtags so people can see just how spiritually amazing they are both inside and out.
As a bonus, we will even be offering our readers the chance to get paid for scrolling through their Facebook which they would just be doing anyway. Beauts.
In another huge change of focus for our page, we will also be introducing a wide range of content that will promote both white supremacy and rights for veterans at the same time, while at the same time ensuring that the English language dies a slow and lingering death.
For example, not a lot of people know that many of our pensioners are being forced to survive on 15p per month because brown people.
More worryingly, for every fleeing Syrian migrant that we rescue and rehome in the UK, more than 500 British schoolchildren are moved from their classroom and locked in an industrial freezer for lessons.
This is a disgrace and we intend to use Facebook’s policy of not restricting far-right bullshit memes to change society from within.
Perhaps we could even get a fascist nutjob into a real position of political power in this new post-truth era? This may be a distant dream for now, but never say never.
A spokesperson for Facebook said: ‘We are delighted to see an existing publisher reshape their content output to match emerging public demand for losing weight and protecting are cuntry and veterans who didn’t fight for a world where they are subject to such a disc race.’