Southend Council has launched a new scheme to stop visitors leaving local beaches looking like a total shitheap when they fuck off back to Romford or wherever.

‘Bin It You Twat’ is a joint initiative between the council and local environmental groups, and it aims to get the message across that there are alternatives to just chucking all of your rubbish on the floor like some sort of Grade A Thundershite.

Nigella Vange is Head of Garbaging and Procurement within the council, and she told our Chief Reporter that the new scheme will revolutionise the seafront.

She said: ‘We have installed containers across the seafront area for people to put their rubbish in.’

‘We’re trying to come up with a name for these at the moment, but for the time being we will go with the working title of ‘dustbins.’

‘It is a simple message that we are trying to get across. Unfortunately, too many people are coming down Victoria Avenue on their way to the seafront and thinking ‘Jesus H Christ what a dump – we couldn’t make it much worse by chucking a half-eaten Scotch Egg on the floor.’

‘Throwing all thirteen kids into the back of a 1997 Toyota Previa and going ‘down the seaside’ tends to create a lot of rubbish, but the good news is that if your nearest bin is full you can simply put everything inside the same Tesco carrier bags that you used to buy your lunch elsewhere and spend bugger all in Southend anyway and take it home again.’

‘While we’re at it, double yellow lines means that you can’t park on them, like ever, unless you have a Blue Badge that hasn’t been self-crafted from the back of a Kellogg’s Bran Flakes box.’

Mr Ruffruff is a three-year-old Golden Retriever from Thorpe Bay, and he told our Chief Reporter that daytrippers who leave litter everywhere can ‘suck his furry plums.’

He added: ‘I’d love to go on the beach in the town where my owner pays his Council Tax, but apparently I might leave the contents of my bowels somewhere and create an unpleasant situation.’

‘Pringles tubes, broken Smirnoff Ice bottles and used johnnies are OK though – no harm with those whatsoever.’