A statement has been released by the Southend Seafront Traders Collaboration to confirm that Havens Hospices now have enough money to provide an outstanding level of compassionate care to local adults and children who are in the final stages of terminal illnesses. 

The statement added that Fair Havens and Little Havens are also ‘swimming in enough money’ to support loved ones left behind forever and ever as well.

SSTC Chief Executive and owner of The Golden Carpet amusement arcade Audley Sycophantis added: ‘All you seem to hear these days is that one of the Havens hospices is having ‘cake sale’ this and ‘sponsored’ that.’

‘I mean come on seriously, enough already. They have shops all over the place as well so they must be minted by now.’

‘Don’t forget that all of us traders have shops and retail outlets as well so we know how business works.’

‘When we heard that the Southend Marathon had been cancelled we were overjoyed at the news. At last, Southend Council have listened to us poor downtrodden rate payers.’

‘Having the seafront closed for a few hours on the day of the marathon would have led to massive financial hardship for our members, and for what?’

‘First the airshow and now this. We’re finally getting the message through to the powers that be that we own this f*cking town. Not Civic Centre. Not Amess. We do.’

‘We now look forward to a profitable Sunday morning in March, unless of course it pisses down. In which case we’ll probably sue God or something.’

‘Also, although the road will now be open, we would really appreciate it if people could refrain from parking down here as we have deliveries to handle.’

We asked a spokesperson for Southend Borough Council if there is a direct link between a massive influx of visitors for a massive stonking tourism and fitness-related event and businesses getting more revenue in the area where this massive stonking tourism and fitness-related event is taking place.

They said: ‘Possibly. However, the policing and health and safety bill would be huge. For example, a runner might run into the sea, or a spectator might collapse and die from shock after finding out that local government actually gives a shit.’

Southend News Network is delighted to announce that a PROTEST MARATHON has been hastily organised. Running or not, show your support here and share as much as you can to get the message across!