Pioneering new research from the University of East Southchurch has revealed that white van drivers and spanners share 98% of their DNA. 

2500 white Ford Transit owners from across Essex took part in the study that was set up by Professor Giles Fuch-Weet of the UES Faculty of Twatology.

He said: ‘We took mouth swabs from the motorists, and then analysed the genetic make-up of ten different commonly-available steel spanners from B&Q.’

‘We found that on average there is a 98% genetic breakdown match between the two species.’

‘First and foremost, we would discourage white van drivers from trying to mate with spanners as the risks to the baby would be huge.’

‘More concernly, we placed a variety of common tools behind the wheel of a white Transit, and in 94% of cases found that they were able to indicate – this was up against the 45% result from the control group.’

We spoke to one of the drivers who took part in the research, and he told our Chief Reporter that he agreed with the findings.

Nathan Spaff said: ‘I’ve just had to get my van speed limited to 142 mph for safety reasons.’

‘Any faster than that and I struggle to maintain control of my vehicle while visualing giving a facial to that bird who works in Screwfix.’

‘The garage I use is excellent, and they even fitted a complimentary Red Bull and Subway holder for me last time I had a service booked in.’

We asked Mr Spaff if the government could do more to help white van drivers on the road.

He said: ‘Not really. They’ve already created those areas by slip roads with diagonal lines so that white vans can pull off safely.’