A study by the Canvey Insititute has revealed that 86% of all domestic bonfires in the United Kingdom are just a neighbour being a bit of a twat. 

2500 garden bonfires were analysed by the institute, with the overwhelming majority of bonfire operators saying that they didn’t really have anything worth burning but enjoyed polluting their immediate area regardless.

Clive Charbonnier from Benfleet took part in the research, and he told our Chief Reporter that he was purely motivated by the number of noisy and asthmatic children in his street.

He said: ‘I’m amazed that none of my neighbours have realised that most of my bonfires are pointless.’

‘I have a 15ft by 15ft back garden that is mainly concrete, and I am currently lighting my eighth bonfire this week – this is why I have to order my garden waste in.’

‘Otherwise, I would have to resort to getting the chainsaw out and cutting imaginary trees for eleven hours a day to ensure that all local nap times are covered.’

‘Thank heavens my two children were never that age.’

‘I’ll have to take a bit of a break tomorrow as I have some friends coming round to see how many cars we can fit on my driveway.’

‘I don’t have a car personally, but I have to justify my ‘Keep Clear – Driveway Constantly In Use 24 Hours A Day’ somehow.’

‘Whatever my neighbours say, I’m not a bad person. I always build my bonfires hours before I set them alight so that local cats and hedgehogs have somewhere cosy to sleep.’