Official Statement

Southend News Network would like to take this opportunity to issue a full and frank apology and also to claim full responsibility for Donald Trump’s victory in the recent US presidential election.

Although this wasn’t made clear to us at the time, it has now emerged that Facebook and Google hold ‘fake news sites’ responsible for the outcome of the vote. Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook has announced that the social media giant will be doing more to ‘restrict’ the distribution of fake articles in its News Feed, and Google has issued a statement to say that ‘misleading’ news websites will find their access to advertising products restricted moving forward.

Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook has announced that the social media giant will be doing more to ‘restrict’ the distribution of fake articles in its News Feed, and Google has issued a statement to say that ‘misleading’ news websites will find their access to advertising products restricted moving forward.

Southend News Network fully accepts that Internet users cannot possibly be expected to critically analyse the content that they are reading, and so at the same time we welcome Facebook and Google’s collective attempt to cut our balls off before one more person gets cruelly suckered by our content.

Therefore, in light of Facebook and Google’s analysis of the situation, we would like to invite all of the anti-trump rioters to come and bash the sh*t out of Southend News Network’s global headquarters instead of running around all over the USA and protesting. After all, this is all our fault, and we will even give you the address of The Rochdale Herald because they may have mentioned something about Trump as well.

Sorry we had to stop for a minute there because someone sent us a story about Jeremy Corbyn trying to re-enact f*cking Riverdance near the Cenotaph. Disgraceful, and I for one (or even two, because of the outrage) am outraged by his lack of respect.

At the same time, we would also like to admit full responsibility for Brexit, England’s woeful Euro 2016 performance, and the cancellation of Button Moon – the latter was the most painful thing to admit of all. Who knows how far that show could have gone if they had replaced the black-clad puppet ninjas with some sort of CGI trickery.