A senior local government official in Southend has confirmed that the new superfast Wi-Fi connection for the town that includes the area with seafront fountains is not to be used for the live streaming of children running through the gushing water.

After a regrettable incident in 2016 when a group of local vigilantes confronted a photographer or a paedophile or whatever who was standing close to the fountain area with a camera, Digital Infrastructure Officer Dale Gribble said that the incredibly fast and live video-friendly network connection was not to be used for this reason.

He said: ‘The 3G and 4G signal in this area is notoriously shite, but I would like to confirm that members of the public are free to use the new Wi-Fi connection to do absolutely anything apart from live stream videos of children in a various state of sopping soakedness.’

‘For example, you could Tweet about how amazingly spectacular the whole place is for both day-trippers and those who are looking for a short break, or you could also upload videos of the longest pleasure pier in the whole world to YouTube.’

‘It is even possible to point your smartphone up at the sky and make lots of whirry aircraft noises to pretend that it is 1993 or something.’

‘As long as you don’t create some sort of live running high-definitition broadcast of children running through a number of different upward spouts of icy-cold water, we cool bro, we cool.’

Local mum of nineteen and the founder of Southend Facebook Mummy Group Nonce Watch Michelle Garridge told Southend News Network that she would instruct members to walk around the entire area of coverage and report anyone who looks ‘a bit foreign’ just in case to be safe.