A spokesperson for the DVLA has confirmed that the mandatory punishment for picking your nose while in control of a vehicle has increased to six points and a £500 fine – the new rules took effect at 6am this morning. According to a statement, the announcement has been planned to coincide with new tougher rules about driving while using a mobile phone. 

Julianna Digg of the DVLA said: ‘Research has now proved that nose picking can be even more distracting than using a mobile phone or arguing with a hormonal partner, and we are delighted that the government has now acted on our recommendations.’

‘For the sake of clarity, the punishments will only be applied by a police officers when a finger is observed entering a nostril – small deposit removals on the rim of the nostril will be exempt in 95% of circumstances.’

We asked Ms Digg to explain more about the science behind this new interpretation of the rules.

She said: ‘I will be the first person to admit that some cases of nose picking are worse than others, but in 2016 Britain we need to follow the mobile phone example of a blanket approach to ensure consistency.’

‘More and more people are now driving with their air conditioning at a high level, regardless of the outside conditions, and this low-moisture atmosphere is leading to an unprecedented increase in the number of motorists experiencing deep-rooted and stubborn nasal deposits.’

‘In our own testing laboratory, we found that the average 35-year-old male took around 90 seconds to remove what we would class as a ‘Level 1.’ This is the most severe category which would include a 40% chance of a nose bleed due to the amount of attached nasal tissue.’

‘In terms of distraction, we noticed that the moment of sheer joy when it is finally removed reduced road awareness by up to 70% – this is why we have pushed for action to be taken.’

‘Our advice is simple. Pull over, grab a Kleenex and let it all out. On longer journeys, there is no harm in pulling into a Moto car park and getting the job done.’

A representative of the Road Policing Union of Great Britain confirmed that officers will be briefed about the new guidelines this morning.

In a late development, a shocking dashboard camera video has emerged of a motorist driving into the sea between Southend Pier and Chalkwell in South Essex.

The footage has now been confiscated by police, but according to one witness the driver can be clearly heard saying ‘ah yes finally’ around three seconds before impact. His female companion was heard saying ‘pick me a winner’ around 20 seconds earlier.

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