Branches of Mothercare all over the United Kingdom have been put on HIGH ALERT after the far-right group ‘Fight For Are Tea Towels’ made a number of threats towards muslins on their Facebook and Twitter pages.
In one particularly chilling post earlier today that has since been removed, one member of the public posted ‘muslins is taking over and its time for action. today they mop up are babies sick, but tomorrow they will be forcing sharons law on everyone.’
At the current stage of the police investigation into the abusive messages, it is unclear whether the male suspect is referring to Sharon Theodopolopodous of ITV comedy Birds Of A Feather, the famous British Olympic swimmer Sharon Davies, or a large van-like Volkswagen.
Professor David Cotton is an expert in synthetics extremism from the University of East Canvey, and he told our Chief Reporter that muslins have made a number of enemies over the last few decades due to their newfound position as the country’s baby-related fluid mopping cloth of choice.
He added: ‘The tea towels have truly had it in for muslins for a number of years, and now it finally looks like the chickens are coming home to roost – remember every home in the land with a newborn baby used to have piles of tea towels to clear up wayward boob milk and formula.’
‘However, that all changed on that fateful day when a linen trader arrived in the UK fresh from a trip to Mosul in Iraq. He didn’t realise it at the time, but the contents of his suitcase would transform British society and relegate tea towels to a life of drying dishes and sitting in tacky tourist shops – no wonder there is so much resentment.’
‘You can even get tea towels emblazoned with an image of Southend Pier. No wonder they are all so fucking pissed off.’