A woman from Southend has been telling Southend News Network about the horror of seeing her husband fall into a COMA while waiting for England to have a meaningful shot on target in their Euro 2016 opener against Russia. According to Mandy Jones of Salisbury Avenue, her husband Jimmy stopped responding to her attempts at conversation shortly after half-time, and a few minutes later she called an ambulance after starting to dribble on the sofa cushions that she had just got back from the dry cleaners.

Distraught Mandy said: ‘The paramedics told me not to worry as it was the 27th England-related coma of the evening, but he did advise me that Southend Hospital is on the verge of declaring a Black Alert that will remain in place until England have a decent shot on target. This made me feel a lot better.’

As Mandy was speaking to our Chief Reporter, Rooney had a sort-of meaningful effort on target saved by the Russian keeper, called something long and Russian-like with a few ‘ovs’ and ‘ichs’ on it. She added: ‘Oooh that almost went into the goal net didn’t it. Did England win the Premier League Cup this year? When’s Coronation Street on? Ooooh look, Tottenham scored!’