Excitement has been growing in Southend over the last few days after a local resident claims that she saw an image of JESUS CHRIST at the end of Southend Pier. According to devout Christian Samantha Buckley of Fairfax Drive in Westcliff, she spotted him emerging from a small hut with a group of disciples and other celebrities.
She told our Chief Reporter that she has never been so excited about her faith. She added: ‘I was just taking a picnic and walking my dogs Joshua and Joseph to have a few moments of quiet reflection as I have been struggling with my faith lately, and I asked the man up high for a sign to show me that I could still have something to believe in.’
‘All of a sudden, the clouds separated and a glorious ray of light shone upon this little hut at the end of Southend Pier. The door opened and plumes of white smoke poured out, before I saw Jesus emerge with a group of people bowing at his feet with council-issued name badges on who were grovelling about ‘not being worthy.’
‘I walked over and threw myself at his feet, and he put his hand on my head and said: ‘stand, my child.’ I looked him in the eye and he asked: ‘Would you like to know how to make a lasagna that will feed four people for just 80p?’
‘I wept with joy at this point and offered him a bite of my Cornish Pasty to show my gratitude. He simply held his hand over the end of it and it closed up, while muttering something in what I assume was Biblical Hebrew about it not being ‘pukka.’
‘He then apologised and said he had an engagement in Margate, before descending down the lifeboat ramp and walking over The Thames. Lindsay Lohan tried following him and they had to fish her out shortly afterwards.’
A spokesperson for Southend Borough Council told our Chief Reporter that the latest development was fantastic news for the town.
He said: ‘We have always suspected that there was something about Jamie Oliver that sets his apart from every other human being on the planet, but we genuinely never realised that he was God’s representative on Earth – he certainly kept that one quiet.’
‘Fortunately, we have already made provision for the new Cultural Centre at the end of the pier to be converted into a place of worship. From the beginning of November, Modern Day Oliverians will be able to attend 15-minute services in this unique location, although to be safe everyone should allow 2-3 hours.’
Songs of Pwaise will be broadcast live from Southend Pier this Sunday at 6.30pm on BBC ONE. Local residents are respectfully reminded to not attend.