Trading Standards officials are currently trying to contact up to 250 people who may have purchased loose quinoa from Blowton and Sons Health Foods in Chalkwell Grove after it was discovered that their latest batch was laced with COCAINE.
At 2pm today, armed cops swooped on the store and closed it down, taking owner Henry Blowton into custody – thousands of stock items were sealed forensically and removed from the scene.
As police spokesperson confirmed that it is suspected that foul play may be involved.
DCI Elaine Di Seeai of the Leigh and Chalkwell Narcotics Taskforce said: ‘Over the last few weeks, we have received information from a number of credible sources to say that the quinoa from the store in question didn’t seem quite right.’
‘Plain-clothed officers visited the premises with Arnold, our dedicated covert coke hound, and within a few seconds of arriving he was scratching his right ear with his rear-right paw – this is the special silent signal that Arnold is trained to give out when he can smell cocaine.’
‘He has been conditioned to remain silent when he smells drugs, and this makes him an incredibly effective member of the undercover team.’
‘A few days later, we returned and purchased 100g of loose quinoa, and our fears were confirmed in the lab – each seed contained a dangerous amount of cocaine in microground form.’
‘Microground cocaine is the most dangerous version of the drug as it enters the bloodstream 38% faster than other forms.’
‘We cannot comment at length as the investigation is now ongoing, but there has been an allegation that the store’s owner had full knowledge of the fact that Bogota Brand Quinoa can contain mind-altering substances.’
Gerald and Henrietta-Flo Ryder visited Blowton and Sons last week to buy the ingredients for a quinoa pudding, and they told Southend News Network that their dinner party was ruined shortly after dessert was served.
Gerald said: ‘Our guests couldn’t get enough of the quinoa pudding, and at the time we thought that it was because we managed to follow Nigella’s recipe down to the letter.’
‘However, my 86-year-old mother started behaving very strangely, and out of nowhere she started talking to the cutlery – we knew this was something serious when she had a 20-minute argument with our gravy boat about Jeremy Corbyn.’
‘Everyone else was also acting out of character. My brother-in-law was on our wooden decking trying to perform CPR on one of the gnomes, and my three-year-old niece kept telling me that her Upsy Daisy toy was calling her a ‘stuck-up c*nt.’
Anyone who suspects that they have purchased the affected quinoa from Blowton and Sons is advised to contact Southend Trading Standards or The Police immediately.