A spokesperson for The Jeremy Kyle Show has confirmed that Southend On Sea has now officially reached the ‘breaking point’ of disorder, teenage pregnancies, theft, parental DNA disputes and just general scummery where it would probably be best to just ‘get Graham in’ to try and sort it all out.
He said: ‘Jeremy was walking down Southend High Street on Saturday afternoon, and he noticed at least seventeen separate incidents of people having massive arguments about a variety of topics – most of these were incomprehensible grammar-wise but he managed to get the gist.’
‘The worst one was a young couple who were arguing with three other men about who the father of their youngest child could be. As far as Jeremy could tell, the child’s birth certificate was marked under ‘Father’ as ‘some blokes off the Kursaal Estate.’
‘Jeremy tried to intervene personally, and fortunately he keeps Graham permanently in the back of his Nissan X-Trail for these occasions. However, shortly after the incident, Jeremy was approached by a member of the Southend Borough Council Family Dispute Resolution Team to see if Graham could just be permanently installed somewhere close to the town centre.’
‘Sports Direct management have offered a concession unit next to the Lonsdale trainers in what has been described as a cross-marketing initiative. Nothing promotes family unity like an oversized branded coffee mug.’
A source close to Southend Borough Council estimates that installing Graham will save more than £50m per year from the council budget – Sports Direct will contribute an undisclosed monthly sum to cover operating expenses.
He added: ‘Although our last project of this nature resulted in the untimely death of Jerry Springer, we are confident that Graham has what it takes to restore Southend’s family-friendly image.’
‘We did investigate the possibility getting our entire backlog of cases in front of Judge Rinder one after the other, but our researchers found out that he isn’t a real judge and the whole show isn’t legally binding.’