The leader of a team of hostage negotiators has confirmed to Southend News Network that they have secured the release of a Southend Tesco employee who has been imprisoned in the store’s glass bureau de change kiosk since 2013. 

Jean-Pierre Lunpoli, who heads up the UN’s Retail Hostage Negotiation Taskforce, told our Chief Reporter that the supermarket giant was convinced that 26-year-old banana merchandiser Suzanne (name changed for legal reasons) had served a sentence appropriate for someone whose ‘gross negligence’ lead to more than £250-worth of fruit being binned. 

He said: ‘When this female employee broke a banana display stand on 21st January 2013, she was assured that her imprisoment in the store’s secure travel money kiosk would only be temporary.’

‘Instead, nearly four years have passed, and we are disgusted to announce that she has only received basic training in a number of different topics relating to travel money exchange.’

‘We have evidence to show that bosses threatened her with drastic punishments if she didn’t greet every travel money customer with a smile.’

‘Her sister’s Clubcard account was cleaned out at one point to show that they meant business, and one home grocery order was switched with Market Value tea bags – everyone knows that you need four bags per cup just to make it drinkable.’

‘We have now obtained files showing that more than 70% of all supermarket travel money kiosk employees in the UK are serving sentences outside of their retailer’s disciplinary guidelines.’ 

‘We haven’t seen anything so disgusting since 1998 when a cash machine in Plymouth failed and the newsagent locked a midget in there for three months to count the £10 notes.’

A spokesperson for Tesco said: ‘We are aware that a member of staff at our Southend branch chose to remain within the travel money booth outside of her normal working hours. Her line manager concluded that she must have been dedicated or agoraphobic.’