Friday 13th January – The current snow warning status is set to INDIGO, which means that snow disruption is ‘imminently prominent,’ Southend News Network will be keeping up to date with the latest school closures so that you can plan ahead. 

Friday 13th January – 4.45am: Police and fire rescue officials have attended Cortus Strange Primary School in Southchurch Lane after local residents complained about a ‘high-pitched squealing noise,’ and it emerged that the school’s pet hamster Chuffer had been accidentally left out in the playground overnight.

He was wrapped in thermal foil by paramedics, and he is currently making a full recovery at Southend University Veterinary Infirmary.

Friday 13th January – 5.00am: A statement has been released by the Essex Education Partnership Consortium saying that all schools will remain open until they are closed, but they also warned that the situation could change at any time.

Friday 13th January – 5.15am: UPDATE: Chuffer the Hamster is currently enjoying a Fray Bentos steak pie, and doctors believe he should be allowed home in time to greet the children at morning registration.

Friday 13th January – 5.30am: Essex Safer Driving Coalition representatives have said that common courtesy guidelines have been temporarily suspended outside the county’s primary and secondary schools today because of the ice and snow. Jemima ZigZagg of the ESDC added that officials will be all over the region today to offer £50 Amazon gift cards to the most creative entrance blockers, traffic obstructors and dog walkers.

Friday 13th January – 6.00am: Heating has finally been restored in the boys’ toilets at Bluebell Lane Primary School in Basildon. The school was closed yesterday after some male pupils complained that the freezing temperatures had led to ‘painful levels of spot freezing’ while using the urinals.

Friday 13th January – 6.30am: A full evacuation is underway in Southend. Barry Brownring, 56, has allegedly said that a King Size Lamb Korma on Wednesday night is ‘probably to blame.’

PREVIOUS UPDATES FROM THURSDAY 12TH JANUARY

Thursday 12th January – 3.30am: All schools are closed because it is the middle of the fucking night.

Thursday 12th January – 3.50am: Prittlewell High School is closed, and it has been for a number of years now.

Thursday 12th January – 4.30am: Hamster Junior School’s headteacher has confirmed that they will only open if the spinning wheels don’t freeze over.

Thursday 12th January – 6.25am: All schools remain closed, unless the caretaker is in ultra-early or someone is catching up with marking.

Thursday 12th January – 7.00am: No schools have officially said that they are closed yet, but Google continues to index this page because every pillock in Southend is clicking on it.

Thursday 12th January – 7.20am: A spokesperson for the Essex Primary Education Board has confirmed that guidance has been issued to local schools. According to the official document, a decision will need to be made once outdoor temperatures drop to a point where a teaching assistant’s nipples can be clearly seen through three layers of clothing.

A representative for Essex Council has also confirmed that all closures will be reported individually to local radio stations with a top-secret code word … which is ‘buttplug.’