The first meeting of the majority government between senior Conservative and DUP figures has ended in confusion after nobody was able to understand what anyone else was saying. 

A preliminary meeting took place today at an  undisclosed location, and according to sources who were present DUP leader Arlene Foster said the same sentence to Theresa May eleven times at the start.

Mrs May allegedly just had a blank expression on her face.

‘One of her senior aides just looked at her and said ‘I don’t know. Something about tea?’

Brexit Secretary David Davies told our Chief Reporter that all he could hear was ‘der der der derrrrrrrrr, de der derrrrr abortion de derrrr.’

He added: ‘Everything was fine until we met face to face as the initial deal was all done by email, but once we were all in the same room it was like talking to a load of robots or  Father Jack Hackett with a heavy cold or something.’

‘We moved on to discussing Brexit. At least that’s what I think they were talking about. To be fair I just zoned out after five minutes and started thinking about naked ladies.’

‘At least we are doing the right thing for the people of Britain.’

‘The alternative would have been a coalition of chaos supported by a load of terrorist sympathisers.’

‘Fuck me that’s a scary thought.’

Shortly after the meeting, it was announced that Brexit negotiations will begin shortly with a newly formed Conservative Unionist Negotiating Team on its way to Brussels.’