A ‘horrific’ report from the South Essex NHS Coalition has revealed that 88% of all 2016 babies delivered at Southend and Basildon Hospitals have been born totally addicted to bass. 

Dr Marvin Piyurtoni is head of neo-natal care for NHS South Essex, and he told our Chief Reporter that the problem has now reached levels never seen before. 

He said: ‘More and more mums are spending their pregnancies driving around with their partners in £500 souped-up Corsas that have a £5000 sound system installed, and this means that the developing embryo becomes dependant upon the constant shaking and rumbling of the subwoofer.’

‘As far as we are aware, the ill effects start in the babies’ feet before reverberating up into their brain.’

‘As a result, when newborn babies arrive they become incredibly restless and irritable if they cannot hear the soothing tones of some pot-fuelled wanker broadcasting illegally from a tower block in Grays or Southend.’

‘We had one horrible case in August where we were forced to pump Flashing Lights by Kanye West into an incubator for six weeks.’

‘There needs to be better education for expectant mothers about the harm that they are doing to their unborn children.’

‘This problem is nothing new for our team of specialists. We are aware of more than 5000 eleven year olds in Essex who have to visit local bass-addiction rehab centres because of the popularity of So Solid Crew in their prime.’

‘A relatively small amount of newborns were addicted to love in 1986, but things have never been this bad.’