Retail experts have confirmed that the first FESTIVE FASCISTS of 2016 have started to arrive in shopping centres, towns and cities across Britain, with many witnesses reporting sightings of mums marching into branches of Argos and Smyth’s Toys in the same manner that one would enter Poland.
Police in Southend town centre reported that a case of Hatchimals sold out within fifteen seconds after local einkauftsgruppen snapped them all up and trampled 47 innocent bystanders to death in the process.
In Basildon’s Eastgate Centre, a desperate father of three converted his Ford Focus into an improvised Panzer tank and entered Toys ‘R’ Us three minutes before opening time when rumours spread of a 5% discount off the XBox One S – however he was forced by security officers to leave his adapted assault vehicle at the front of the shop and continue browsing on foot.
Throughout Sunday trading hours, Southend News Network received further reports of shoppers losing the ability to make simple calculations about their immediate surroundings and spatial awareness – many people blamed propaganda posters and messages on radio and TV.
In an additional development, a number of people have contacted Southend News Network to report that Christmas gift lists have been forced upon them in violent circumstances, with severe penalties attached for anyone who dares to purchase a present that hasn’t been approved in triplicate by a panel of festive high court judges or some sh*t like that.
Daisy Essess told our Chief Reporter that her brother’s gift list included links to where the items could be purchased, along with precise terms and conditions to indicate what would happen in the event of two individuals choosing the same present.
Ms Essess added: ‘According to my brother’s list, any failure to check gift purchases with other family members first will result in imprisonment, corporal punishment, or a 25-year period of no contact. I’d say that it’s a risk worth bloody taking.’
More worryingly, huge rallies and marches have been reported across Essex, and at one gathering in Southend thousands of people stood around freezing their balls off so that they could watch someone flick a switch.
One reveller who didn’t want to be named said that people in hi-vis jackets had spent six hours beforehand knocking on people’s doors and warning them of ‘dire consequences’ if they didn’t fill the streets and show their support. He added that one particularly officious man with a clipboard threatened to have his family and neighbours added to Santa’s Naughty List.