Doctors at Southend University Hospital have confirmed that they have performed the world’s first successful sense of humour bypass on a 63 year old woman from Leigh On Sea.
A press conference late on Thursday evening was put together to make the historic announcement, with a number of leading medical journals stating that the new procedure could stop millions of people from disappearing up their own arsehole every single year.
Dr Nigel Anusol spoke to the hastily-arranged collection of journalists, and he could hardly hide his delight at the breakthrough.
He said: ‘On Thursday morning, a woman literally crawled into A&E complaining of severe lower back pain, and after a brief investigation it was clear that her coccyx was shifting in an attempt to make her upper body eventually disappear into the depths of her own anus – heaven only knows what could have happened if she hadn’t got here in time.’
‘We conducted a CT scan, and we noticed that the Whitehouse Cortex of her brain was just a grey mass, indicating zero neurological activity in this area.’
‘We asked her about her average daily routine, and she told us that she spends the majority of her life listening to The Archers, shopping in Waitrose and getting pissed off about headlines on Southend News Network – this made her a prime candidate for the procedure.’
‘Apparently, she read the website’s article about Lily Allen and instantly decided that the author must be an extreme-right reincarnation of Adolf Hitler with undertones of Skeletor, Cyril Sneer and that bloke from Inspector Gadget with the cat.’
‘After four hours in theatre, we were able to divert blood flow in the brain for long enough to repair the brain tissue around the Whitehorse Cortex – within seconds we observed her body involuntarily straightening out again.’
‘Although the whole process is an expensive one, we’re pretty certain that we will be able to secure funding by diverting financial resources away from administration or marketing or cancer or whatever.’