... and another thing!

Apologies for the bad language, but once again another high-profile figure has decided to launch a crusade against fake news, and if anyone likes a good ol’ crusade it is Deputy Leader of the Labour Party and general bespectacled battler of evil Tom Watson.

Yes that’s right everyone, Tom Watson. The man who has to fight with every fiber of his being to resist the urge to throw his boss Jeremy Corbyn off Westminster Bridge on a daily basis. On today’s menu of ‘things I don’t like anymore that now make me sad’ is fake news and how people are reading it on Facebook and being influenced to do things and stuff.

However, there is one small problem with Tommy-Boy’s quest. He has appointed Labour MP Michael Dugher as chief rottweiler of the enquiry. ‘Hurrah’ I hear you all scream as the world rejoices at the selection of someone nice and impartial to head things up!

Here’s the thing. Michael Dugher has written for The Sun and The Daily Mail, and therefore all of this just boils my piss. As I pointed out in my open letter to Mark Zuckerberg recently, a number of mainstream media outlets (you know, ‘real’ ones) often take stories and twist them to create fake news that suits whatever the publication’s objectives may be.

I am not even going to mention one of the most well-known examples of The Sun making shit up and give Google the chance to index it (‘The Truth,’ remember?), and as far as The Daily Mail is concerned need we say more? Brown people want to cancel Christmas and construct a giant carcinogenic Ramadan Dome in the middle of Bradford, and YOU’RE PAYING FOR IT!

Here’s an idea Tom. Why don’t you launch an enquiry into how your party’s MPs can carry on openly despising your leader while the rest of the party keeps voting him back in? What about a Parliamentary Select Committee about the new format of Toblerone – you love Parliamentary Select Committees don’t you?

Speaking of Parliamentary Select Committees, please go ahead and set one up about fake news websites and invite me along. My speech will be brief and I promise to be better entertainment than Russell Brand or Mike Ashley.

After holding up a diagram of a human body and asking some regular Facebook readers to point out exactly where the Internet hurt them, I will make two simple points. First of all, I would mention that asking a Mail and Sun columnist to preside over a fake news enquiry is like appointing Bernard Matthews as head of the British Turkey Benevolent Fund.

Secondly, and more importantly, I would say that if people are too lazy to fact check everything that they choose to get outraged by on the Internet, then they deserve to have a reality TV star with bad hair as the most powerful man in the free world.