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A shock Daily Mail pullout next week is set to confirm that one of the biggest causes of cancer in the United Kingdom is LEGO – the newspaper has suspended all LEGO promotions with immediate effect. 

A spokesperson for the newspaper said: ‘After an extensive investigation by our feminine health and immigration team, we can confirm that LEGO is directly responsible for more cases of cancer than any other factors in the United Kingdom.’

‘We will be presenting our evidence in a special 12-page pullout in Monday’s Daily Mail, with expert commentary from some of the biggest names in the business and Katie Hopkins as well.’

‘One of our most shocking discoveries was that LEGO bricks imported from within the European Union were 600% more carcinogenic than bricks purchased within the United Kingdom.’

‘Our scientists also noticed that Duplo can be lethal when either swallowed or ingested through the anus. Because of these worrying findings, we can confirm that we will no longer be offering any sort of LEGO-related promotions with our newspaper.’

‘This is not a decision that we have taken lightly.’

‘However, we are delighted to announce that we will be offering readers the chance to own a 32-piece set of Nigel Farage figurines over the next twelve months. Readers who collect every single token will also be entitled to a free purple display case for all of their little Farages, with a small contribution of £199.99 towards postage and packing.’

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