A spokesperson for Essex Police has confirmed that a 38-year-old father of three from Southend On Sea has been arrested on charges of wilful destruction of property, child endangerment and sexual assault after destroying his house and car in a three-hour rampage – witnesses told Southend News Network that the whole incident was sparked because he was unable to unwrap a particularly tricky Mini Babybel cheese snack.
Shortly after 12pm on Saturday, all three major emergency services were called to an address in Fairfax Drive after neighbours reported that a two-bedroom house was ablaze, and police arrived just as suspect Nigel Redwax was attempting to drive his wrecked Ford Focus straight through the window of local chip shop Philip’s Fillets.
Det. Ins. Colin Derrylee said: ‘We are only able to release limited details at this early stage, but we are investigating reports from a neighbouring gardener who was observing Mr Redwax in his dining room at the time that the incident occurred.’
We managed to speak to him, and he told our Chief Reporter that he had never witnessed anyone reach this level of pure rage over a seemingly-innocent dairy snack item.
He said: ‘He was in the middle of feeding his 2-year-old daughter who kept shouting ‘rubber cheese’ over and over again – he was initially reluctant to fetch her one of these from the fridge and it is now abundantly clear why.’
‘After he spent about three minutes trying to get the plastic off, he was yelling every swear word in the dictionary while fumbling over the wax layer as apparently he couldn’t find the bit that you pull off. He was so flustered by the time he had managed to get the cheese out that the Babybel was in about twelve pieces.’
‘His daughter obviously only likes them whole as she started wailing and kicking her feet, and this must have pushed her father over the edge. I quickly ran in there and helped his partner get the kids out while he was tying his belt around his forehead ‘Karate Kid-style’ and growling at a shelf of Lego Minifigures.’
‘He must have then spent a good two and a half hours running around his house and just smashing everything in sight while howling like a man possessed. When he finally emerged out the front he got in his car and drove straight through the front wall on his driveway towards the chip shop across the street.’
‘If that bike rack wasn’t there he would have wrecked the chippy as well, and thank heavens the police finally turned up at this point as he just sprawled himself out across the bonnet and starting dry humping his own wreck of a car. I think it is safe to say that he must have some sort of underlying issues here.’