A spokesperson for British Gas has confirmed that their electricity prices are going to be increased for most customers because their profits in 2016 fell to £400 gajillion.
This triggered a ‘fuck off profits warning’ to be issued to the stock exchange in London, and witnesses reported weeping on the streets of the company’s native Spain.
British Gas Head Of Gas Flamingo Di Dingo said: ‘We’re on our arse. Everyone thinks being an energy supplier is some sort of golden ticket to humongous riches but this couldn’t be further from the truth.’
‘We’re really, really worried at the moment. Some German bastard from E.ON called up and just spent 35 minutes laughing down the phone at me and calling me ‘sheisskopf,’ and the frogs over at EDF keep tagging us in offensive memes.’
‘Things have become pretty bad now at head office. We are a gnat’s cock away from laying off those animated penguins.’
We asked Mr Di Dingo to address concerns that prepayment customers are being ripped off by having to pay more for their energy.
He said: ‘This simply isn’t true. Prepayment customers pay more for their energy as they get a premium standard of electricity and gas.’
‘Laboratory tests have proved that prepayment gas is 41% gassier than direct debit gas, and the electricity has a distinctly clean and crisp flavour that can’t be beaten.’
In a late development, it emerged that wholesale gas prices were reduced by 11% today.
This means that customers of the major suppliers should see a change in their bills by the start of the next bastard millennium.