A spokesperson for the South Essex Hospital Coalition has confirmed that bosses were ‘probably on crack’ when they came up with the idea of downgrading Southend and Chelmsford Accident and Emergency Departments and sending ambulances to Basildon instead. 

The plans have now been scrapped, with a statement adding that people would ‘probably rather not snuff it stuck on bastard Fairglen.’

A source who was at the original meeting said: ‘That whole evening was a bit of a blur. One minute we were talking about downgrading Southend and Chelmsford’s A&E departments, and the next there was a guy counting the lines in the upholstery and complaining that he couldn’t feel his own teeth.’

‘When I look back at the minutes, it’s clear that something was up.’

‘The final 34 bullet points are just ‘I am a fish’ over and over again, and someone has crudely drawn some kind of half-ambulance, half-unicorn with a furry pink arse on it.’

‘AOB is a bit iffy as well. Apparently the following meeting’s agenda was to headline with ‘How can we get nurses to show a bit more tit?’ and ‘Could Crohn’s Disease be rebranded to make it more marketable?’

‘To be fair we will probably just downgrade something else instead at Southend Hospital, like Costa Coffee.’

‘Under the fundamental principle of ‘Success,’ it shall be downgraded to a branch of the WRVS where a coffee is 50p and the person selling it to you is more than happy to chat about The Archers for fifteen minutes and generally give a shit.’