An expert on Facebook has confirmed that everything in life will become LESS SHIT at an arbitrary moment on a clock tonight.
According to Southend mum of three Kelly Diquad, 24, the precise moment of one second past midnight on New Year’s Day is some sort of magical point in time where the overlords of the entire universe come together and say ‘Ok everything can now stop sucking balls.’
On her Facebook wall, Kelly posted: ‘2016 has been terrible. Everything was awful. My life sucked. It was a general mixture of unfortunate events of which I had absolutely no control over.’
‘However, 2017 will be different. Everything will be great because the calendar cycle is going back to the beginning again.’
Ms Diquad then proceeded to list fifteen resolutions that matched the fifteen she made at the exact same point in 2015 (we verified this as she was stupid enough to post a Facebook Memory).
She added: ‘I have already updated my Facebook status after every terrible event this year on an individual basis, but I thought that it would be handy to give my friends and family a summary to remind them all about how terrible my year was on a more collective basis.’
‘I’ve made sure to do it nice and early as well in case Facebook collapses at midnight under the sheer demand from pricks like myself.’
She followed this post with an inspirational meme including a silhouette of some toned woman on a beach or some shit like that.
A spokesperson for Facebook said: ‘We have adjusted our News Feed Algorithm accordingly so that users aren’t subjected to excessive amounts of his garbage. We’ve already had reports of adults putting their fists through laptops out of sheer frustration.