A spokesperson for the BBC has confirmed that Sir David Attenborough is to be bubble wrapped after concerns were raised at the highest level about the sheer number of celebrities who have passed away in 2016.
Still reeling from the sad passing of Fawlty Towers star Andrew Sachs and countless other legends of Broadcasting House, the Beeb’s head of talent Eric Smithers added that the untimely demise of the wildlife broadcasting legend would truly make the corporation ‘lose its shit.’
Mr Smithers added: ‘We have dispatched a team of specialists to Sir David Attenborough’s 750-bedroom palace and nature reserve in a secret location to ensure that he is fully-cushioned with immediate effect.’
‘We would like to make it clear that we are not messing about with that 99p per metre bollocks from Wilkinson’s either – this is the big bubble stuff from Staples.’
‘The members of the BBC’s executive board have all agreed that 2016 has been a bitch, and the worrying thing is that there is still a whole month left – we don’t want to give the British public any more ammunition to cancel their TV licences.’
‘To be honest, we’ll probably ask him to knock some of that Planet Earth shit on the head as well. Those lions are going to get fed up with having a camera shoved in their faces at some point, and we simply can’t take the risk anymore. We’ll probably just send Mr Tumble in instead.’
At the time of going to press, an online petition to apply the same protection to Dale Winton and that guy off DIY SOS had already reached eleven signatures.