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Members of the local community have reacted with anger after plans were revealed to demolish four council housing tower blocks in Southend town centre and build a large ‘Zone 1 Luxury Living Commuter Zone’ for the benefit of London city workers with a high disposable income and possibly a raging cocaine habit.

Under the proposals, the blocks called Malvern, Chiltern, Quantock and Pennine will be demolished and then rebuilt as an estate that has already been described as ‘swankier than anything previously seen in the area.’ The four blocks will each retain their original name with the addition of the word ‘Vista.’

Southend Borough Council’s Head of Housing and Businessing Doris G’hetto told Southend News Network that the Queensway Estate’s close proximity to Southend Victoria station means that this is an opportunity that is ‘too good to miss.’

She said: ‘We thoroughly believe that a lot of people are currently put off visiting Southend town centre because there is a strong possibility that they will bump into someone who is inclined to shop in Lidl and start fights when visiting Mecca Bingo.’

‘At the same time, commuters who smell nice and like eating at Ask Italian are being forced to live 20 minutes away from Southend Victoria – this added time to their daily journey seriously affects their quality of life.’

‘There is also the criminal element that is attracted to the Queensway Estate, and we believe that creating a luxury commuter zone will attract a far better level of criminal to the area. Instead of drug dealers and sex workers, we could soon be seeing people who have served time for financial services fraud, ponzi scheme selling and insider trading – this will give a huge boost to the town’s profile.’

We asked Mrs G’hetto about where existing residents would be moved to, and she firmly stated that all of these people will be taken care of in a thoughtful and dignified manner.

She said: ‘All of these people will be taken care of in a thoughtful and dignified manner. We will even ensure that foodbank closures are kept to an absolutel minimum.’

Charles Conge is in charge of the newly-formed Southend Swankerisation Committee, and he told our Chief Reporter that the planning application had only been approved because of the overall swankiness of the proposed housing.

He added: ‘It is a well-known economic fact that swanky apartments lead to swanky people, and also in turn that means that swanky people will lead to swanky restaurants. As a result of this, the swanky restaurants will attract even more swanky people, leading to a higher demand pull for swanky apartments for them all to live in.’

‘All in all, the whole thing is one big pile of swank, and I can safely predict that Southend On Sea will become the South-East’s capital of swank within ten years.’

However, it would appear that there could be some turbulent times ahead for the proposed Zone 1 Luxury Living Commuter Zone. According to anyone who isn’t a hilariously out of touch planning official or smug-faced bastard estate agent with a £500 silk tie and a Mini Cooper, the existing train service from Southend Victoria to London isn’t up to scratch.

According to the leaked planning documents that we have seen, there are proposals in place to create an express Southend to London service exclusively for residents within the Zone 1 Luxury Living Commuter Zone. This will be achieved by creating extra line capacity through a 40% reduction in so-called ‘services for the non-swanky.’