Social media has gone into meltdown today after it was revealed that a contestant on Love Island is no longer inserting his penis into another contestant on Love Island.
The ITV show finished a few weeks ago, but Twitter and Facebook has been rife with speculation since then to see who would be the first couple to marry, split up, or contract a (hopefully) genital-threatening STI.
Let’s be honest, the only people who actually give a fuck about this shit are the same braindead morons who sit on Facebook 24/7, unable to sleep without finding out if Jeremy wotsit has been doing whatever to Stephanie whoever.
The truth here is that there is a direct, scientific relationship between your number of visible abdominals and the level of ‘twat’ that you have reached.
It must be tough when you reach that stage and you have to make a straight choice between reality TV and MMA.
You’re not getting 24/7 media coverage anymore? Oh well. Better split up then and wait until Channel 5 starts casting for All Star Celebrity Who’s That Bellend in the autumn.
At some point, the Great British public will realise that they could just watch a bunch of dribbling imbeciles trying to convince the opposite sex to violate their tuppence by installing a webcam in any pub on Southend Seafront.
Or any branch of Yates’ Wine Lodge.
Oh wait. Stop the presses. They’re back together now.
Apparently they had a heart-to-heart, noticed their Instagram accounts had taken a good rogering, and now they have never been happier.