Police in Southend have confirmed that an investigation is underway after a Microsoft Word document was brutally attacked and ‘left for dead’ by an angry mob who mistook it for a PDF file. According to witnesses, the thugs only realised their error after they were able to make changes to the victim and save them. 

The attack took place in Fairfax Drive at around 5pm on Saturday afternoon, and a witness told Southend News Network that a gang of around ten men in their early twenties jumped the Word document shortly after it walked out of For Cod’s Sake fish and chip shop. 

He said: ‘Shortly after the file walked into the chippy, I noticed that ten people were hanging around outside the door and muttering to each other that they were going to ‘f**k it up,’ and when he left with his meal they all jumped on him and launched a vicious attack.’

‘One of them filmed the whole thing and kept screaming ‘take that you filthy nonce.’

‘However, after about 45 seconds one of them noticed that they had changed the colour of the victims title and it had been saved – that’s when it dawned on them that they had attacked a Word document and not a PDF file. They quickly ran off towards Roots Hall Football Ground before the police arrived.’

‘There have been rumours flying around here for a while that some concerned citizens were going to ‘deal with’ a threat to local children, but other than the risk of a hidden and malicious macro I don’t think that their victim posed any real threat to the community.’

Community safety officer PC Colin Adobe said: ‘Once again, law abiding Southend citizens are having to go about their daily lives under the threat of vicious digital street violence, and it has to stop.’

‘This is the second deplorable digital crime within the last seven days after a fraudster sold 8GB of memory to a laptop with a 32-bit installation of Windows 7, knowing full well that it would only be able to use 3.5GB of it.’