A spokesperson for West Ham United confirmed today that the club’s retail outlet in the Basildon Eastgate Centre will close down shortly – the shock decision was announced after the club’s application for government funding was rejected by Basildon Council. According to leaked documents that have been seen by Southend News Network, a proposal was put forward to keep the store open with 75% of the day-to-day running costs being met through an increase in local Council Tax payments, but this was rejected with extreme laughter at an extraordinary meeting of Basildon Council yesterday. 

Council spokesperson Errol Harold said: ‘Although the prosperity of West Ham United is our number one concern in everything that we do as a council, the idea of taxpayers assisting a Premier League football club in a gazillion-pound industry sounds like something that you would hear from a man swigging Special Brew from a brown paper bag in Gloucester Park. During last minute negotiations they did offer to pay for the napkins in the nearby coffee shop on every third Thursday of the month, but this still didn’t represent good taxpayer value. We would like to take this opportunity to wish The Hammers every possible success in the future.’

In a late development, it has emerged that there are currently 28 different mobile accessory traders who have expressed an interest in the vacant retail unit.