Arsene Wenger has told the media that they should be ‘under no illusions about Arsenal’s desire to win the next Emirates Cup’ after the Premier League side signed Konstantinos Mavropanos from some Greek team or whatever for £2.2m earlier today.

Speaking at a press conference, he added that he was confident that 2018’s pre-season curtain raiser tournament to flog airline tickets was ‘pretty much in the bag.’

He said: ‘Konstantinos has huge potential, because that’s what we need – players with huge potential.’

‘Our fans are not getting royally arse-rogered every week just so they can see the elite of world football out on the pitch.’

‘The asking price was £2.2m and we asked if we could pay that in instalments as it has been a tough couple of weeks for the club.’

‘Theo Walcott’s ankle insurance premiums just shot up by 45%.’

According to reports from the Etihad, Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola ‘literally shat himself’ after hearing the news from London.

A source said, ‘Pep was in his office trying to pick four players to lock in a cupboard somewhere just to make things mildly competitive between now and the end of the season, when he spotted the news alert on his phone about the signing.’

‘By the time he had found clean underwear, he immediately asked for a meeting with the club’s board to ask for an extra £300m of funding to try and counteract the threat to their dominance that will result from Arsenal making a signing that wouldn’t look out of place in Sensible Soccer.’

In a further development, it has emerged that the greek’s agents are locked in crisis talks with the Arsenal board after the player originally believed that he would be signing for Leyton Orient.