A spokesperson for Waitrose has confirmed that their free tea and coffee offer has been limited in their South Essex stores because of ‘a high concentration of freeloading bastards’ in the area.
On October 10th, the terms of the offer were changed in their Southend, Leigh On Sea and Billericay stores, and now it is compulsory to make a purchase before a free hot drink is made available to MyWaitrose card holders.
The John Lewis-owned chain’s Head of Customer Custom Nigella Crumpet-Leviticus said that the move was necessary in South Essex due to area’s ‘high concentration of freeloading bastards,’ and she told our Chief Reporter that the promotion often led to scenes in-store that ‘wouldn’t look out of place in a Band Aid video.’
She added: ‘There have been times in our Southend store when I would look along the queue for the coffee machines and wouldn’t be able to see a single milf.’
‘From time to time a ‘customer’ may have some potential shagability after a good shower, but in the main the offer was being abused by people who we would usually refer to as ‘mouth breathers’ or ‘Sports Direct enthusiasts.’
‘Asking people to make a single purchase isn’t really a big deal in our opinion. For example, our Waitrose 1 Quail Crisps infused with undertones of Ostrich and Mango are currently on offer for just £3.99 per bag – these would be a welcome addition to any child’s lunchbox.’
‘To be fair, a lot of this was our own fault. I have often wondered what possessed us to build a Waitrose in Southend in the first place. Apart from the private hospital next door, the surrounding areas are all a bit rough aren’t they? Someone in Cluny Square stood still to light a cigarette the other day and when they tried to start moving again they realised that they were on bricks.’
‘It’s like sticking a Kwik Save and Farmfoods in Kensington, what what what.’
In a Southend News Network survey of regular Waitrose shoppers in their Leigh On Sea branch, 86% of those asked said that they were happy with the news, conveniently forgetting that they are the same 86% who are always banging on about ‘supporting your local independent coffee shop.’