A spokesperson for Essex Police has appealed for calm after what he described as an ‘unacceptable’ escalation of violence between neighbouring Aldi and Lidl stores in Southend over ‘identical’ packs of ham. 

Leaders of both stores are accusing the other of copying their idea of putting off-cuts of ham in a sealed pack and charging £1.65, and the UN Envoy for Discount Supermarkets Kofi Kuiksaiv condemned a lengthy exchange of mortars and shelling this afternoon.  

He added: ‘Although both stores pay above minimum wage on the understanding that employees may be forced to undertake militant action in the ongoing battle for control of the cut-price grocery sector, today’s so-called friendly fire blew an elderly lady’s knee clean off.’

‘She may never walk again, or at best she may be condemned to a life walking in circles.’

‘Lidl’s coded threat to begin stocking meringue nests is a clear attempt to antagonise Aldi and provoke them into taking action that will risk the lives of shoppers and other users of this stretch of the A127.’

‘Waitrose guerillas have also threatened retaliation as they feel that this is a clear breach of the Geneva Baked Egg White Retail Agreement of 2004.’

Within the last few minutes, an emergency peace summit has got underway in the neutral Wild Bean Café three doors down, and senior officials of both supermarkets have been meeting to try and reach a deal to end the bloodshed. 

According to an ASDA grocery supervisor who is mediating the top-level talks on behalf of the UN, the only possible resolution is for one German-owned cut-price supermarket to refer to the ham as ‘trimmings,’ while the other German-owned cut-price supermarket will have to refer to their product as ‘cuttings.’

However, at the time of going to print, both giants are threatening to proceed with plans to rename their ‘Multigrain Hoops’ as ‘Hamster Anuses’ – it is hoped that a multi-product accord can be finalised.