Vegetarians across the UK have been warned to stop eating the new polymer-based £5 note after it emerged that that a small proportion of the note’s ingredients include animal fat. 

In a further development, a spokesperson for the Vegan Action Guild told Southend News Network that all of their members have been invited to an emergency ‘Wallet Cleansing Camp’ in the West Midlands where all traces of the new notes will removed from wallets, purses and handbags through a combination of organic chemical washes, witchcraft and chanting. 

The Southend Vegetarian Front’s founder Elliott Cremegg told our Chief Reporter that the Bank of England’s announcement had left his members ‘literally fuming’ – this statement has since been downgraded to ‘figuratively fuming.’

He said: ‘I can’t speak for anyone else, although I often do anyway, but I for one start every morning with two rounds of toasted £5 notes covered in Nutella – I wash it all down with a blended Fiverccino mixed with quorn milk.’

‘The Bank of England has now admitted that they have been putting animal fat in the new polymer notes, and I dread to think how many pigs and cows I must have eaten in the last few weeks.’

‘I asked my doctor to be put on a list for a colonotomy, but he informed me that I have already disappeared to far up it for the procedure to be a success. I weep for my children and everyone else.’

‘The whole business is a disgrace. There was nothing in the big press releases about the new £5 notes not being suitable for vegetarians.’

This scandal is the latest in a long line of controversies to hit vegetarianism and veganism recently. 

The most shocking incident occurred only a few weeks ago, when a local vegan reacted with OUTRAGE after discovering that her cold glass of water was actually a fish’s house.