A vegan from Southend On Sea in Southern Essex is currently ‘inconsolable’ after her friends told her that her bottle of Evian was probably a fish’s house at some point. According to Madeline Shoutit’s best friend Alice, she is going to seek legal advice on the matter. 

Alice told Southend News Network: ‘I only told her that fish live in water as a bit of a joke, but she instantly spat her drink all over the floor and started scrubbing her tongue with a nearby Brillo pad.’

‘She is usually really careful about keeping up her Vegan beliefs, but it appears that she has really taken her eye off the ball on this occasion – she normally doesn’t even have Oyster Mushrooms at Mr. Ping’s Chinese Buffet.’

A spokesperson for the Vegan Action Guild In the North Atlantic said: ‘We have written to all of the major mineral water distributors and asked for reassurances that their products have not provided lodging for fish in a previous stage of their life cycle.’

‘If they cannot provide a satisfactory answer, our lawyers believe that a vegan class action lawsuit could run into billions of pounds. The social media bill alone could bankrupt a small-to-medium African country.’

‘As a precaution, we would suggest avoiding water and all water-based liquids until the situation is resolved. Alternatively, our partner company Wibble Drinks sells a flagship vegan water that is certified as both vegan friendly and gluten-free.’

A spokesperson for Evian confirmed that a complaint is currently being dealt with.