In a landmark ruling at the United Nations in New York, a panel of supreme judges has declared that the entire population of Canvey Island is being held against its will – the news means that every present and past resident could potentially be in line for a huge payout from Castle Point Borough Council. 

Speaking at a press conference earlier today, Chief Judge Johann Von Canute Libeck said: ‘We sent a team of investigators to spend a week on the South Essex peninsular, and they were shocked to conclude that conditions on the island broke at least seven sections of the Geneva Convention – three of them were technically war crimes. 

‘The most serious infringement was the fact that residents are basically trapped by only having two routes off the island. All it takes is for one motorist to give another driver a funny look on the A130 and it’s closed.’ 

‘Whoever designed the new and improved Sadler’s Farm will be dragged in front of a court in The Hague as well.’

‘We are no longer prepared to accept their excuse that a third bridge would make the island ‘tip over’ – this geological argument has been disputed by every expert in the field.’

‘In spite of multiple requests from residents for the whole island to be raised by 4 feet on stilts to avoid flooding, Castle Point Borough Council has turned a deaf ear. We are talking Kim Jong-Un levels of negligence here.’

‘25% of all residents are suffering from tinnitus or psychosis as a direct result of the Essex Police helicopter being constantly in service over the island, and the lack of a single branch of Waitrose means that young people growing up are being denied the access to almost-free tea and coffee that their counterparts in Southend and Leigh enjoy – this has also been flagged to UNICEF.’

Residents who wish to make a claim against Castle Point Borough Council are advised to travel to the council offices in Benfleet and visit the newly established Canvey Residents Reparations Department.

A spokesperson for The Live Aid Foundation confirmed that a fundraising single is in the works. A source has told us that ‘major music stars’ have already signed up to perform on ‘Bridge Over Muddy Water.’